Dr. Heiser's Comprehensive Field Guide to Ley Lines

July 28th 1996

Director Wren: What exactly am I looking at here?

Agent Kelsey: Well sir, this is Dr. Heiser’s…. parting gift.

Director Wren: This is a joke.

Agent Kelsey: I thought so at first too sir, but well, as it turns out everything in here can be verified by the trans-dimensional research team. Even if it is written a little…. tongue in cheek.

Director Wren: More like middle finger in face. He just couldn’t go out quiet, could he?

📓 Dr. Heiser’s Field Guide to Ley Lines: "How Not to Be Vaporized by the Earth’s Arteries!"

Compiled in the basement of a condemned library. Copyright pending.

Introduction

Hello, traveler of veils and sniffers of cosmic threads. You’ve found yourself (likely by accident) in the tangled skein of ley lines—those invisible noodles of electromagnetic weirdness pulsing under our feet like the Earth’s nervous system. Congratulations! You’re either a genius, a lunatic, or about to get possessed.

What Are Ley Lines?

Ley lines are geodimensional filaments—linear arrangements of Earth’s magnetic and metaphysical juice. Imagine spaghetti on a globe. Now electrify it. Now feed it emotions. Voilà.

They intersect at spots of immense energy (called Nodes or Oh-Gods depending on what happens when you step into one). These intersections are not only hotbeds of power—they’re doors, mirrors, or worse: keys to rooms with no exits.

How to Identify a Ley Line Without Being Zapped

• 🧭 Compass Jitter – A good ol’ Boy Scout compass going nuts? That’s a sign.

• 📱 Battery Drain – If your phone dies in seconds but smells like burnt mint? You’re near a node.

• 🐦 No Birds – Birds know. They always know. If it’s quiet, run or start mapping.

• 🎵 Auditory Fractures – Whispers, inverted piano notes, and warbled “Happy Birthday” renditions? Definitely a ley stream.

Types of Intersections

Intersection Type Nicknames:

Triple Cross, "The Y-Fork", Nexus Grid" Hiveheart", Sinkline Breach, "God’s Elbow",

Effects: Time loops, ghost echoes, smell of cordite and taffy, dimensional slipstreams, levitation of small rodents, mood swings, sudden nosebleeds, enhanced déjà vu

Tools of the Trade (™)

• Dowsing Rods: Laugh all you want. I’ve pulled two interns from a chasm using copper twigs.

• Iron Nails: Hold in your mouth to prevent memory erosion. Don’t swallow (again).

• Map of Westville: Mark it, burn it, redraw it weekly. Streets shift. Ignore it at your peril.

• Goat’s Blood (ethically sourced!): Don’t ask. Just know.

Behavioral Notes

• Ley Lines are moody.

  
  

  They resonate differently during storms, eclipses, and middle school talent shows.

• Emotion amplifies energy.

  
  

  Cry near a chasm? It cries back. Yell in anger? It opens a crack in your childhood bedroom. Be calm. Or fake it convincingly.

DO NOT

• Use ley lines to microwave burritos. It works. It’s horrifying.

• Sleep on a Node. You’ll dream in languages no one survives speaking.

• Bring cats. They're either repelled or possessed. No in-between.

Final Thoughts

If you feel drawn to a spot, hear whispering light, or suddenly crave dirt... document everything, then get out. Ley lines are paths, but not necessarily for us. They’re for them—for the Red, the watchers, the leftovers from the Seethe.

Still want to trace one?

Pack sandwiches. And maybe a memory anchor. Preferably laminated.

“Reality isn’t fragile. It’s just lazy. Prod it hard enough in the right spot, and it will give.”— Dr. G. Heiser, shortly before vanishing for 11 hours and returning with no pants and two extra shadows

----

Agent Kelsey: Sir, if there’s nothing else, I should be getting to that briefing. Things in Site 73 are picking up again, and—

Director Wren: 73?

Agent Kelsey: Yes, sir.

Director Wren: sigh Please tell me that’s not the one Heiser was going on about.

Agent Kelsey: Ok. That’s not the one Heiser was going on about.

Director Wren: Just—get out. And see to it that you keep this under control. Get a surveyor team on the ground, now.

Agent Kelsey: On it.

Director Wren: Sandra? Cancel my day. I’ve got somewhere to be.